


To drag along in a world, (without you)

by Meloenijs



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bleak, Character Death, Fluff and Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-07
Updated: 2013-09-07
Packaged: 2017-12-25 22:50:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/958513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meloenijs/pseuds/Meloenijs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>And if you didn't exist, tell me why I should exist, to drag along in a world without you.</em><br/> </p><p>Something is missing in the post-Loki world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To drag along in a world, (without you)

_“He keeps asking after some Phil.”_

_“Don’t know any Phil. Do we know everything that happened to him under Loki’s control?”_

_“Not yet. There’s still a few tests we sho-…”_

He turns away from the words. They’re not making any sense, and being reminded of Loki still smarts. He finds solace in the translucent image of Phil, smiling indulgently at one of Clint’s jokes.

 

* * *

 

 

No one sits beside him when he wakes. It’s uncommon, but not an exception. He kicks off the blanket and sits up, ready to get dressed and leave. The only downside is that he forgot about his back, and the muscles scream as he pushes himself up. Maybe jumping off a building and crashing through the window wasn’t the best idea he’d ever had, but _man,_ had it been awesome.

He makes it halfway to Phil’s office before Natasha bumps into him and jostles his shoulder.

“I hate you.”

Her lips curl slightly upwards, and she grabs his hand to pull him the opposite direction.

“You were found completely free from Loki’s influence.”

“I figured,” Clint shrugs, “the being able to walk freely was a huge tip-off.”

They walk in silence, and only Natasha’s continued holding of his hand tells him how glad she is for him. One thing seems wrong, though.

“You’re going the wrong way.”

“Stark offered us lodgings. We’re staying there.”

 

* * *

 

This is how his world implodes on itself:

They arrive at Stark tower, and Tasha shows him the floor appointed to him. The interior is exactly how Phil’s and his flat looks like except for how all of Phil’s stuff is missing.

“Nat? Where’s Phil’s stuff?”

Natasha’s face remains blank, and Clint worries. “Who’s Phil, Clint?”

He stares. Then breaks out a grin. “Is he playing a prank on me because I worried him again?”

A small frown appears on Natasha’s face. “No. I don’t know who you mean.”

Clint rolls his eyes as he pulls out his phone. None of Phil’s numbers are saved, not even the one under ‘Sweetums’, and he has to admire how far Phil went. He types in the number of Phil’s emergency phone and calls.

The mechanical voice makes it as far as “ _This number is not in u-”_ before he disconnects, panicking. Phil would never go _that_ far.

 

* * *

 

Fury claims not to have heard of any Phil Coulson and sounds suspicious when Clint shouts about Marcus and Cheese.

He breaks down in Natasha’s arms.

 

* * *

 

It takes Clint several months of a never-ending search to come to realise that Phil Coulson doesn’t exist, and never has. At least, not according to this world, but his memories (Phil smiling, swatting at Clint, trying to grab his glasses back; Phil _being_ there for him) tell him different.

He returns to the Avengers. They’ve been recruiting, adding Jessica Drew and Carol Danvers to the team. Clint likes them best; they don’t look at him with a pitying look just because the man he loves disappeared without a trace.

He fits into the team, but not in the group. It’s not their fault; he’s just not sure how to handle Phil’s non-existence, and seeing the other team members just keeps reminding him of what he's missing.

 

* * *

 

A year passes, wherein Clint buys a building from some Russian bro’s in Bedford-Stuyvesant, acquires a dog, and meets another Hawkeye.

He starts up a thing with Jessica, and consequently ruins it.

Getting slapped in the face makes him realise he isn't just hurting himself; he is messing up other people’s life as well.

 

* * *

 

Missing Phil had become part of life. A phantom pain. But now, after his wake-up slap, he realises it can’t go on like this. _He_ can’t go on like this.

Plans are made, deals are struck, and Clint thinks Phil would be proud at him for being so foreseeing.

 

* * *

 

He isn’t thinking about Phil when it happens.

Phil, who held him as he cried over the news of his brother’s death; who had seen his potential and trusted him.

Phil, who didn’t exist.

No, instead he wonders whether it are his arrows or his quiver that has caught fire, wonders how he can make one last grand gesture and make it count.

His back burns; Clint shoots three flaming arrows with every draw into everyone who’s moving.

The mothership is descending onto the streets, giving Clint a change to jump onto it and shoot his explosive arrows on the best places. The explosions throw Clint of the ship and into the air.

He’s pretty sure his hair is on fire by now. Sure smells like it.

Vaguely he feels how someone catches him. He can’t tell who it is, despite their incessant shouting at him. There is no more pain now, not in his back, and not in his heart.

He reaches towards Phil, sweet Phil, who is looking back at him over his shoulder.

Phil has been so patient for him, but Clint can’t resist a chance to show-off. He starts running forwards and does a few cartwheels, flipping forward at last to end on his knees before Phil.

He reaches out a hand, wearing the wedding ring he usually wears on a chain but disappeared with Phil.

 

* * *

 

Pain explodes in his chest. He can see a blurred shape standing over him, pumping his heart back into rhythm.

 

* * *

 

Phil reaches back.

**Author's Note:**

> This was meant to have a plot, I swear.  
> The new line-up is the one mentioned in #9-10 of Avengers Assemble, because I haven't caught up yet on more recent issues.
> 
> Clint's end is very much inspired by [this](https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/68647468/vb/FIRE.png) in Avengers Disassembled.


End file.
